My List: 

Something I should’ve started a long time ago, a thought that passes. I’m 25 and as far as that goes I have not endeavoured to do much to enhance my life, my knowledge and experiences. Here I write a list that I want to do/start, some may be small some may be silly but all are something I have done, failed, unfinished or never even tried. There are 25 weeks left to the end of the year I will list 25 (not in order). 

  • Make cake/cupcakes with an exceptional finish. Professional looking, not rushed. 
  • Learn another language. 
  • Plan a trip alone. 
  • Eat out alone. 
  • Go to an exercise class alone. 
  • Go live on Facebook. 
  • Do a makeup tutorial. 
  • Raise money for a charity (£100).
  • Turn phone off for a day and experience something new. 
  • Make a dress/skirt: wearable. 
  • Find an up cycling project and complete. 
  • Take an evening class (pottery, cake decorating etc.) 
  • Look, apply, work towards “dream job”. 
  • Spend nothing in a week – make money (not work related) to get by. 
  • Make something and sell it. 
  • Wear shorts. 
  • Start and finish a knitting project. 
  • Learn crochet. 
  • Get up early and go for a run 5 days in a row. 
  • Hit 12,000 steps every single day in a week. 
  • Go vegetarian for a week.
  • Go vegan for a week. 
  • Cook every day for a week. 
  • Host a dinner party. 
  • Complete all on list! 

This list is not in order but it gives me a chance to tick one off each week. I have not set myself challenges since school so I believe that through doing this I will grow as a person and bring more structure. I hope to follow through on some of these tasks after I have completed for that week. 

Plan. Prepare. Grow. Succeed. 


An open letter to my pregnant friends

Before I start please understand this is not written to have a go at anyone, aimed at anyone in any bitter tone. Everyone is entitled to their opinions I’m not saying anyone is wrong or right. 
An open letter to pregnant ladies and mums from your friend who’s yet to join the journey. 
We understand your pregnant, we know, we’ve seen the Facebook posts, we’ve spoken to you and shared in your excitement: but, will you STOP saying “all my friends leave me once I’m pregnant”. This is NOT true, every friendship is different and if ‘friends’ leave when your pregnant then they weren’t your friend or someone you want in your/your child’s life; but please know the difference between friends leaving you and you no longer putting in the effort. 

You see the dynamic of the friendships changes drastically once that news is out; we have to think more about the plans were trying to make with you, we have to accept that you may cancel on us last minute. We are more than understanding because we are your friend. However, consciously or not we, the childless friend gets sidelined, you have baby groups, pre natal groups, lots of preparation. We offer help where we can understanding there are big changes coming. We still have plans too, and lives to fit everything in around. Obviously you can’t come drinking with us, but your more than welcome to come out socialise and have a giggle: if you don’t want to that’s fine also.
There’s a difference between friends leaving you and you forgetting to put a little effort in to the friendship. We may grow apart, that’s part of life but this is not because you are pregnant. There are many reasons we could’ve grown apart, blame on both sides or just life moving in different different directions. We could re ignite our friendship or the bond just isn’t as strong as it used to be. Work, relationships, social life changes, dynamics change; yet the most prominent excuse is always blamed on the friend leaving the other due to pregnancy. 
We DO make an effort with you, sometimes much more than you make with us now, we still have our own lives we understand any meetings now have to be arranged around feeding times and your hectic schedule. This does not mean our schedule is not hectic or any less important. 
PLEASE before you go to your baby groups, and chat to your other friends with children and state that your friends have left you due to pregnancy remember to take note of the effort we have put in, the acceptance of your dismissal and excuses. 
We are still here, we still love you and we still want to be sharing in your excitement; please let us. Don’t tar us all with the same brush. 

FRIENDS: The Breakup 

When people think of breakup they automatically go to the romantic heartbreak. Losing a friendship can be just as damaging but it’s not so openly accepted to “grieve” over the loss of a bond. Someone that once would text just to let you know they’re thinking of you, they appreciate you. 

Friendships move with the times they change or they stop, some slowly; some quite suddenly, before it’s comfortable to “give up”. Some people are selfish with their time and values and others are selfless. I prefer to place myself in the latter, friendship is something I take very seriously it’s a shame I quite often find myself on a one way street. I’m going to allow myself to wallow in the negativity of others selfish acts.

 “They will need me long before I need them“. 

It may not feel that way now but it’s true, I at least know I’m staying truthful to myself. Although closure on all matters is something I feel at peace with. ; Closure will come when I am at peace with myself. 

People come and go and not all of us are lucky to be granted the gift of a strong long lasting friendship; so early on in life. 

🔮 To the future 

💃🏻 To dancing on my own 

💁🏻 To being true to myself  

From slob to snob 

From #slob to #snob Absolute catfish! My poor boyfriend 😂🙈

Reality is I work long hours I do not have time to faff around with makeup every day as much as I’d love to, the effort it just too much! No one is dolled up at all times… This is #reality and Facebook.
It’s such an eye opener to how different people treat you with a splash of makeup. I can go into town with nothing on and get ignored, no smiles and no help in shops etc. Go in the next day with a splash of makeup lots of smiles, people willing to help; male and female. It’s shocking in this day and age how even walking down a street you feel judged based on your choice to wear makeup and dress up nice or just running in after work in scrubs and your hair scraped back after a 15 shift. Why is the way I am perceived based on whether I’ve made the effort to slap something on my face? 

Negative thoughts 

👄 Makeup works wonders; but why is it that we are judged more and more on the way we present ourselves to the world? 
In a world full of social media, media pressure to look a certain way: no matter how many body positive people/blogs/groups you come across, we can’t hide from it. 
I am well aware that the way people treat me is based on how I present myself. Going for a job or an important interview it’s an unwritten rule to “dress up, look smart”. But this is now carried across into the day to day world. I am judged by males and females and I think it’s disgusting that walking into anywhere I can automatically be dismissed because I am not “dressed to impress”. 
I do also believe that if I wasn’t overweight I wouldn’t have such a distinction in the way I am treated. It’s as if society has set up levels for people to distinguish how they treat you… unwritten rules. 
Skinny no makeup – “well she looks after her body” 
Chub no makeup – “oh dear”
Obese no makeup – “well she best have a cracking personality to get by” 
*This is NOT to offend anyone, this is NOT what I think this is how I perceive thing from my own personal experience. (I have been Obese Class 2) 
I go to the supermarket to do shopping I fill it with chocolate/treats/ice cream I get a few disgusted looks and the obvious “no wonder she’s that size”. I fill my trolley with salad and healthy eats and a nods and smiles from strangers as if to say “oh good for you shifting your muffin top”. 
Now I am well aware this is coming from my very low self esteem head so I overthink, worry and compare constantly. I’ve had the odd comment I pick up on looks maybe a bit too much controlled my paranoia. 
Watching and reading people’s body language on others, makes me believe that people sub consciously judge then treat a person on what they see in the first few seconds. 
Let’s take a beauty counter: 
I walk in jeans, baggy top no makeup. No help or very little offered. I’m spoken to as if I know nothing about makeup (guuuurl you should see me on a night out!). Everything is a bit “dumbed down” for my simple bare face.
I spend time doing my makeup and wear “in fashion” clothes walk to the same counter. Extremely chatty and friendly, ask what I’m wearing and much more available. 
This has happened more than once, I’ve seen it happen to others also. The staff have most of time been very friendly both times but their body language and efforts with me change drastically. 
I am by no means where I want to be confidence wise, addressing the issue is just the start but I work hard, long hours; as do many others. I don’t have time to constantly “present” myself as people may wish/prefer to see me. 
Being skinny, wearing makeup does not make a person better, more valid or nicer than another. 

Ignorance: again 

I promise myself I won’t I promise I’ll stick to something I’ll be determined for two days. Then someone, something will knock me back for no apparent reason. I disappear I don’t want the world to see me. I shut off. 

I wrote an incredibly eye opening post on beauty once, I got down and didn’t quite like how a sentence sounded and deleted it. 

For the first time ever last week I posted on Facebook about my worries for my mental health in an eye opener. I read the comments people showed support. Now a week later I am shaking, heart rate is pulsing I have no one I don’t know what is wrong. I hate social media it makes me feel worse, I compare myself constantly. I think little of myself. 

I can’t keep doing this, I need to face up and look this in the eye. Not run, not hide. 

Why can’t I why can’t I why can’t I. 

My head makes no sense my fears are none. 

I’m ok. I know I am in no danger. 

Set goals. Plan move forward. 

I’ve set goals, I’ve made plans I write I publish I delete I am embarrassed I didn’t hit my target as I wanted to. 

I need to do this. 

I am fine. 

Anxiety and me… 

Not understanding I have anxiety for at least 10 years of my life. Not realising the symptoms. In denial that I have a problem. Losing friends over poor excuses trying not to expose my over sensitivity to everything. Feeling sad on a daily basis, worried I’ve upset someone because I didn’t respond quickly enough. Taking everything personally. 

About a year ago I faced the facts: I have anxiety. Here are my symptoms: 

  • Running my hands across my skin feeling for imperfections, picking at it till it hurts/bleeds. 
  • Pulling my hair out. 
  • Picking at my eyelashes and hair on my face. 
  • Irrational anger over nothing. 
  • Heart pulpitations. 
  • Heavy breathing/struggling to breath. 
  • Fiddling with my hands. 
  • Shaking. 
  • Putting on more and more makeup. 
  • Eating until I feel sick. 
  • Order “2 meals” so it doesn’t look like I’m just buying for myself. 
  • Getting irritated over nothing/things out of my control. 
  • Wanting to hide away- not leave the house. 
  • Shopping irresponsibly. 
  • Twitching. 
  • Feeling of sickness. 

They range from subtle to severe  and can come and go completely unexpectedly. I’d love to be rid of this and constantly on edge of “what I’m going to feel like later”, I have tried therapy and tablets and not felt they have worked for me. I am focusing on myself and helping others. Sticking to goals I am setting and pushing through; building my confidence and self esteem I believe will help me overcome the severe bouts of anxiety I adhere to currently.