FRIENDS: The Breakup

When people think of breakup they automatically go to the romantic heartbreak. Losing a friendship can be just as damaging but it’s not so openly accepted to “grieve” over the loss of a bond. Someone that once would text just to let you know they’re thinking of you, they appreciate you. 

Friendships move with the times they change or they stop, some slowly; some quite suddenly, before it’s comfortable to “give up”. Some people are selfish with their time and values and others are selfless. I prefer to place myself in the latter, friendship is something I take very seriously it’s a shame I quite often find myself on a one way street. I’m going to allow myself to wallow in the negativity of others selfish acts.

 “They will need me long before I need them“. 

It may not feel that way now but it’s true, I at least know I’m staying truthful to myself. Although closure on all matters is something I feel at peace with. ; Closure will come when I am at peace with myself. 

People come and go and not all of us are lucky to be granted the gift of a strong long lasting friendship; so early on in life. 

🔮 To the future 

💃🏻 To dancing on my own 

💁🏻 To being true to myself  

From slob to snob

From #slob to #snob Absolute catfish! My poor boyfriend 😂🙈

Reality is I work long hours I do not have time to faff around with makeup every day as much as I’d love to, the effort it just too much! No one is dolled up at all times… This is #reality and Facebook.
It’s such an eye opener to how different people treat you with a splash of makeup. I can go into town with nothing on and get ignored, no smiles and no help in shops etc. Go in the next day with a splash of makeup lots of smiles, people willing to help; male and female. It’s shocking in this day and age how even walking down a street you feel judged based on your choice to wear makeup and dress up nice or just running in after work in scrubs and your hair scraped back after a 15 shift. Why is the way I am perceived based on whether I’ve made the effort to slap something on my face? 

Ignorance: again

I promise myself I won’t I promise I’ll stick to something I’ll be determined for two days. Then someone, something will knock me back for no apparent reason. I disappear I don’t want the world to see me. I shut off. 

I wrote an incredibly eye opening post on beauty once, I got down and didn’t quite like how a sentence sounded and deleted it. 

For the first time ever last week I posted on Facebook about my worries for my mental health in an eye opener. I read the comments people showed support. Now a week later I am shaking, heart rate is pulsing I have no one I don’t know what is wrong. I hate social media it makes me feel worse, I compare myself constantly. I think little of myself. 

I can’t keep doing this, I need to face up and look this in the eye. Not run, not hide. 

Why can’t I why can’t I why can’t I. 

My head makes no sense my fears are none. 

I’m ok. I know I am in no danger. 

Set goals. Plan move forward. 

I’ve set goals, I’ve made plans I write I publish I delete I am embarrassed I didn’t hit my target as I wanted to. 

I need to do this. 

I am fine. 

Anxiety and me…

Not understanding I have anxiety for at least 10 years of my life. Not realising the symptoms. In denial that I have a problem. Losing friends over poor excuses trying not to expose my over sensitivity to everything. Feeling sad on a daily basis, worried I’ve upset someone because I didn’t respond quickly enough. Taking everything personally. 

About a year ago I faced the facts: I have anxiety. Here are my symptoms: 

• Running my hands across my skin feeling for imperfections, picking at it till it hurts/bleeds. 
• Pulling my hair out. 
• Picking at my eyelashes and hair on my face. 
• Irrational anger over nothing. 
• Heart pulpitations. 
• Heavy breathing/struggling to breath. 
• Fiddling with my hands. 
• Shaking. 
• Putting on more and more makeup. 
• Eating until I feel sick. 
• Order “2 meals” so it doesn’t look like I’m just buying for myself. 
• Getting irritated over nothing/things out of my control. 
• Wanting to hide away- not leave the house. 
• Shopping irresponsibly. 
• Twitching. 
• Feeling of sickness. 

They range from subtle to severe  and can come and go completely unexpectedly. I’d love to be rid of this and constantly on edge of “what I’m going to feel like later”, I have tried therapy and tablets and not felt they have worked for me. I am focusing on myself and helping others. Sticking to goals I am setting and pushing through; building my confidence and self esteem I believe will help me overcome the severe bouts of anxiety I adhere to currently.